I often struggle with my writing.
My goal is to provide helpful content. It’s not like I’m writing about something highly technical where I can “teach” something or guide someone through the steps of a process or something. I’m literally writing about how to be human.
And since I’m writing to humans I always and inevitably hit the point in my planning or writing where I think, “Surely to God, I don’t have to say this”, and I want to fling my pen across the room in angst. (Yes, I write with a pen and paper a lot of the time. How else am I supposed to think?)
Then my tone and “attitude” become all unpleasant and snarky. I’m constantly torn between being mature, sensitive, and helpful and being immature, cheeky, and passive-aggressively sarcastic. I don’t know how to not be sarcastic when I explain that manners generally involve not insulting people, yelling, or throwing things across the room at a business meeting. How is it even possible that people need this explained to them? How is it even possible that people old enough to read don’t know this? See the problem?
Surely, if I take the serious approach people will be insulted, won’t they? Surely, they won’t seriously think that I think they don’t know this already, will they? But if I’m all sarcastic and ranty that’s not a good look. Sigh….
And then I look around at the hundreds upon thousands about millions of books out there - many of them best sellers - that help people learn how to behave like civilized people and I think, “Okay, maybe there is a legit need; maybe I should tone it down and make it my business to remind people of how to play nicely in the sandbox.” (See? A bit snarky already.)
I guess though, an evening of being subjected to televised US politics (or possibly, any politics, come to think of it) is pretty compelling evidence that many (arguably “successful”) people struggle with the basics.
So, maybe I’m not wasting my time. Maybe the occasional bits of insight that are hiding in my writing are helpful to people.
Truth be told, I LOVE this stuff. I love the human mind. I’ll never tire of learning about it, reading about it, observing it, thinking about it, and I guess, writing about it.
Possibly one of the first “psychology” books I read was How to Win Friends and Influence People. What Dale Carnegie wrote in 1936 still stays with me. It’s like a life manual. A primer on how to live amongst humans.
Is it because I read this when I was young and impressionable? I stumbled across it on my dad’s overflowing bookshelf between a pile of Agatha Christie’s and books by Piaget, Neisser, and Chomksy (my dad was a psychologist, with a big focus on cognitive psych and perception).
Or is it because it’s never lost its relevance through all these years?
Given the number of copies sold in a gazillion different languages, you could easily be fooled into thinking that everyone has surely read it. That’s what I always think.
It strikes me though, that although millions upon millions of copies have been sold, it’s quite possible that a lot of people haven’t made it out of chapter one yet. My version has a little “Principle” wrap-up at the end of each chapter. Principle One - Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
In the opening chapter, Carnegie recounts a couple of tales of bad-guy shenanigans and observes that people - bad guys or not - generally don’t blame themselves for anything; no matter how wrong they may be.
Why?
“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”
B.F. Skinner provides further proof through studies that showed that “[b]y criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.”
Basically, criticism makes us feel shitty and puts us on the defensive.
I challenge you to think of any situation where criticism results in a good outcome. At best, there’s a brief moment where the criticizer feels some short-lived sense of superiority over the criticized. But in terms of causing a good outcome? No, I don’t think so.
Humans are emotional animals. Even humans who wear suits and have a desk in the corner office. Being emotional beings often means that logic goes out the window at times. At times of high emotion, particularly.
Criticism is designed to make us feel shitty. Once we feel shitty our emotions have been hijacked and it’s no longer relevant whether the criticism is justified.
And here’s the thing to remember: We don’t like people who make us feel shitty. And it’s pretty hard to move forward with a healthy, productive, and professional relationship with people who make us feel this way. (Oh, so obvious. Especially now that I’ve said it.)
And let’s be serious, most of us are well aware if we’ve screwed up. We don’t generally need someone to remind us and we certainly don’t need any public humiliation. We’re all quite capable of self-flagellation and don’t need any help from others.
A much better approach is to bite our tongues, try to understand the other person and what might be going on for them, and be kind and tolerant.
If you’re laying down the criticism in a misguided attempt to get respect, think again. Who gets more respect, the boss who makes you curse under your breath because he’s such a mean ogre or the boss who allows you to “save face” when you mess up?
If you’re throwing harsh criticism around because you think it will help someone learn a lesson, think again. Who learns better, the person who is interested, motivated, and driven to contribute to the team or the person who was just made to feel like an idiot?
If you’re piling on the criticism to make it clear that you’re “right” (and the other person is “wrong”), think again. Think about why it matters so much to you to be right. And go and do some work on yourself to sort that out.
If you can’t resist criticizing because you need to feel superior and the only way to do that is to put someone else down, think again. Think about why you need to feel that way. Go and sort that out so your own silly insecurities don’t bring down your entire team or organization.
There’s nothing good that comes from criticizing others, so it might not be the most sensible way to get the best out of others. If you’re a leader or an up-and-coming leader, think about what you’re trying to do and decide whether there’s a place for criticism in your master plan. I bet there’s not.