Conflict Resolution - The Basics

How to find solutions without straining relationships or stalling projects. (#3)

Work is all about problem-solving. That’s essentially what work is. 

The challenge is that when there’s more than one person involved in solving the problem (which most often there is) there’s the potential for conflict. 

How we deal with this potential conflict can build or break relationships; and it can stall or inspire projects.

A lot of the time the conflict is a natural offshoot of the tensions between different parts of the company and different functions, and it appears when people with different interests must collaborate on a given task, process, or project. 

Conflict is not BAD, in and of itself. Conflicts are only an issue when they become personal and unproductive. We need to be able to handle conflicts so this doesn’t happen. 

But first, we need to be WILLING to resolve the conflict. 

Do you actually WANT to resolve the conflict?

Ask yourself - honestly! - if you really are willing to do what’s needed to resolve the conflict. Maybe there’s such bad blood between you that “being right” is the only thing that matters. Or “getting your way” is more important than resolving the conflict. Is your desire to see the other person suffer bigger than your desire to get the results that will help you and your organization? 

The reality is, if you’re willing to resolve a conflict, then you’ll most likely have to do something differently or give something up. Are you prepared to do that?

If you genuinely want to resolve a conflict, what can you do?

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

You need to understand their perspective in order to know how to move forward. If you know what motivates them and what pressures they’re under you’ll have a better idea of how to approach things. You’ll be thinking about what resonates with them. You’ll be thinking about what they want and need and what you have that you can give them. 

And if you don’t know these things then you need to think about what information you need to gather and how you can find out. Who can you ask? 

It’s also important to know what sort of decision-maker this person is and what sort of thinker. And even what sort of communicator. Dealing with someone who is a visionary thinker who loves face-to-face contact and goes with their gut, is a lot different from dealing with someone who likes to see all the facts and figures and logical arguments and likes to do most things by phone. 

You’ve got to know the person, know what they want,  know their ways, and know their world. 

Have clarity about what you want

Ask yourself what you want things to look like once they’re resolved. What is your end goal here? When you look at what you're aiming for you often can see where there are opportunities for you to be more flexible than you originally thought. You’ll also get clarity on the “non-negotiables”.  This clarity helps you know where you can give some ground, if need be.

Think about your respective styles

It’s possible that the conflict isn’t even about the “thing” but it’s about your different ways of approaching the situation. When you think about your style and the other person’s style - way of thinking, way of deciding, communication preferences, speed of thinking and talking, etc. - you might see ways that you can try to be more adaptable. 

Remember that the goal is to get the conflict resolved. Are you prepared to do what’s required to make that happen?

All too often, clients say to me, “Why should I be the one to change? Why do we have to do things their way?” And I say, “You don’t. Do what you want. But what’s your goal? Is it to resolve the conflict or is it to keep operating in a way that feels most comfortable to you?”  Maybe it’s time for some adulting here. 

Find common ground

Be on the lookout for things you agree on. Lots of nods and ‘yes, yes’s can smooth the way forward. It might not be obvious but if you’re working in the same company, surely there are some things you can grab onto as common ground. Your mutual goals - good product, happy customer? Your shared values? - check the slogans on the wall. You might need to remind them of this. If you can remind them about your commonalities and they feel like you’re on the same team, they’ll more likely be inspired to join forces for a win-win.

Have a plan for how to approach the situation

Knowing who you’re dealing with and what you’re trying to achieve dictates the best approach. Thinking this through ahead of time and having a plan is prudent. 

Here are some approaches to consider:

If you’re going for intellectual agreement then by all means jump into using logic, facts, data, and reasons. This approach works when you want to start with a suggestion and then back it up with reasons. It also works best if you’re considered an authority or expert on the matter or have some information that the other person doesn’t have.

A word of caution: Keep it to a maximum of three reasons, otherwise you start to dilute your argument and muddy the waters.

If you’re going for compliance and you just want them to change a behaviour - do or stop doing something - you can use being assertive as an approach. This means telling them what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want them to do. This is a good option if the conflict involves setting boundaries. 

If you’re trying to make a deal as a way to resolve the conflict, you could negotiate. Take the time to explore their needs (lots of listening and questions) and try to find out where there’s some flexibility at their end and learn about alternatives they might be considering. This can help you find common ground that was not noticeable at first glance.

If you want their commitment you could appeal to their heart. You could listen, engage, share concerns, be willing to be a bit vulnerable yourself, and really work toward a collaborative solution. You’ve got to be genuine and authentic here or the other person will end up feeling manipulated. This is almost like coaching the other person to a solution that you’re both happy with. 

If you think that getting behind some sort of inspired, shared vision - e.g. a vision of the future of the company - then you could use more “we” and less “I” and paint a compelling picture of the future that excites them so that they want to be part of it and are eager to get this conflict resolved to move toward that exciting future. 

Spend some time thinking about how to approach things and then make sure you have a plan. 

And don’t forget to think about what could go wrong

Your plan also needs to include how you’ll deal with objections or even how you’ll deal with a conversation that goes sideways. 

Know when it would make sense for you to leave the conversation. Maybe you become aware of information you didn’t know about initially that changes things for you; maybe the other person has lost their cool and tempers are rising. There’s no point in carrying on once emotions have been triggered. If we get hijacked by our emotions we lose our ability to have empathy and then all efforts at resolving a conflict might fail. So, know when to leave and have a plan for how to do that and what to say to gracefully and respectfully step away (temporarily, of course). 

My clients are often surprised at how methodical and intentional all of these “soft skills” are. And it usually comes as a relief because it’s all so logical and well-planned. People often believe all of this interpersonal stuff is too loosey-goosey to have any clarity on but that’s not really the case.

I think it (meaning, our success with other humans) always comes down to two things: clarity and trust. 

Do you trust that each of you has good intentions? Do you trust that the person is honest and genuine? Do you trust that the person is credible and reliable? Do you trust that the other person is just as concerned as you are for a good outcome?

Are you clear about what you want? And what you need? Are you clear about how the other person ticks? What motivates them? What worries them? What they want in this situation? Are you clear about your approach and plan for this conversation?

If you have clarity and trust and if you pay attention and then act with intention, you’ll be amazed at the results.

If you’ve got any sticky situations or prickly people you’re dealing with and you want to think things through, feel free to book a free strategy session any time.